“tap, tap, tap” Is this thing on? I know it is, I just haven’t used it in awhile.
I may be talking to myself right now, and that’s ok. I haven’t been writing and just need to get this off my chest. I think if I don’t write this, it may just stay bottled up inside and never let me go. Feel like listening? Cuz I could use an ear. Maybe even a shoulder.
It’s been awhile and I haven’t felt like myself. Actually, in the past month or so, I feel like I don’t really know who I am lately, so feeling like myself is kind of unattainable, I think. I feel like I go through the motions of my day without any enjoyment. Stressed, anxious, sad and disappointed with just about everything. My body, my job, my home, my everything. Things that used to make me happy, don’t anymore. They just feel like a chore.
I don’t know how I got here. But it’s time to get out. Because I don’t like this place. It’s lonely and sad and unfair to everyone I love, including me.
The only way I can think of how to escape is to be fearless. When I was young, I was fearless. Ok, maybe reckless is a better word. Nina reminds me of a younger me. And thinking about her being stuck in the frame of mind that I’ve been in lately, breaks my heart. Enough to break the cycle.
As I got older, the stakes got higher and the risks got fewer and fewer until I think I finally stopped taking them altogether. There was family to think about. Finances, time, etc. Staying put was safe. If I never changed anything, I couldn’t fail. I knew the outcome. It was Groundhog Day, and I was okay with that. I was happy knowing that my family was happy and well taken care of.'I am careful not to confuse excellence with perfection. Excellence I can reach for. Perfection is God's business' Michael J. FoxClick To Tweet
But I was always trying to be perfect. And as we all know, perfection is not reality and constantly falling short continuously hammered on my self esteem until I arrived here. In the land of the Emotionally beat up.
I’m all done with that.
Sure, I had surgery a few days ago to repair a broken ankle and I have to sit on my ass for six weeks.
Sure my poor husband has to do everything whilst I sit on my ass and I’m having severe mom/wife guilt.
Sure the dog just peed on the floor and the house needs a good cleaning.
But, it is what it is.
So instead of sitting here boo-hooing and poor me-ing, Today I’m putting on my big girl pants, albeit very slowly and carefully and I’m getting my shit together. I’m telling those bitchy voices in my head to fuck off and I’m making some decisions. I’m putting pen to paper and making some goals and lists and I’m gonna kill em, one by one!
I was not made to sit and sadly watch my life pass me by. Uh-uh. Nope. I’m not calling the Waaaambulance today. Today I’m putting some joy back in my life. Today I need some pretty.
Today I need December.
“December” by George Winston. That music always makes me happy. It reminds me of brewing Gloria Jean’s Christmas blend coffee and white twinkle lights on silent, heavy falling snow. Lifelong friends. Strong arms and skylights. Sleeping babies and peace.
This is where I need to start to bring some happiness back into my everyday. We all deserve that. Don’t you think?
“Music gives a soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination and life to everything” Plato